Secret Santa rules, and the etiquette calls that cause arguments

Most Secret Santa arguments come from three unanswered questions: how much, when, and whether anyone finds out who bought what. Decide those before the names go in and the rest of the exchange runs itself. Decide them in the group chat on the day and you get one person with a 60 gift and one with a keyring.

Below is a set of rules you can adopt as written, plus the repairs for the situations that come up anyway: a drop-out after the draw, an overspender, a no-show, and the person who wants to give a gift card for the exact budget. Bringalong shows the budget and the exchange date on every participant's private link, which removes two of the arguments at the source.

Eight rules to agree before the draw

Post these in the group, get a thumbs up from people, then run the draw. Changing a rule after the draw is the part that annoys people, because by then someone has already bought.

The order matters. Budget and date first, because everything else hangs off them.

1. One budget number, not a range, written in your own currency.
2. Spend between 80 percent and 100 percent of that number.
3. Exchange date, time and place, fixed before the draw runs.
4. Everyone writes a wishlist of three or more items with rough prices.
5. Couples and housemates are excluded from drawing each other.
6. No cash. Gift cards only if the group has voted them in.
7. Remove price tags and labels. Wrap it, or put it in a bag.
8. Say now whether the giver is revealed at the exchange or stays unknown.

Making the budget mean something

A single number works and a range does not. Tell a group ten to thirty and you have authorized a 3x spread, which is the thing people notice when the wrapping comes off. Pick 20, 25 or 30 and say that spending between 80 and 100 percent of it is the target. For a 25 budget, that is 20 to 25.

Repeat the number in three places: the announcement, the participant's own link, and the reminder a week before the exchange. If one person has already told you they want to spend more, answer it before the exchange rather than after. The line that works is short: stick to 25, because someone in this group is on a tight month and a 60 gift makes them feel bad.

Where incomes in the group are mixed, lower the number instead of making participation optional. A 15 exchange that everyone can afford beats a 40 exchange that two people quietly skip.

When someone drops out

Timing decides the fix. Before the draw, remove the name and draw. After the draw, you do not need to start again, because a ring can be spliced with two messages.

Work it through. Say the group drew a ring and Sam has to pull out. Sam was giving to Jo, and Sam was receiving from Alex. The repair: Alex gives to Jo instead. Nobody else moves, and Alex is the only person who needs a message. Jo does not even have to know. If Sam has already bought something for Jo, leave the ring exactly as drawn and let the two gifts travel instead: Sam's gift goes to Jo by post or by hand, and Alex's gift reaches Sam the same way.

A no-show on the exchange day is different. Their gift is in the room, so put it aside with a sticky note and hand it over at the next meeting or drop it round. Do not open someone else's gift for them, and do not give it to a substitute person on the spot. If the person has left the job or the group for good, ask their giver whether they want it back, want it going to a staff charity collection, or want it passed to the person's desk neighbor to post on.

• Before the draw: delete the name, then draw.
• After the draw, nothing bought: the dropout's giver takes over the dropout's recipient.
• After the draw, gift already bought: leave the ring alone and post the two gifts.
• No-show on the day: hold the gift, hand it over later, do not open it.
• Gone for good: the giver decides between a refund, a donation or posting it on.
• Never run a second draw once anyone has bought anything.

Revealed, anonymous, and the gift card question

Pick one and say it in the announcement. A full reveal at the exchange suits groups of up to about fifteen who know each other, because the thanks happen out loud and the person who found a good gift gets credit for it. Staying anonymous suits offices and groups over twenty, where a reveal turns into twenty minutes of people explaining their gift.

Anonymity has one practical cost: nobody can say thank you. Fix it by collecting thanks yourself. Ask people to message you a line, then pass each line on to the right giver. Two minutes of your time and it closes the loop. A middle option is a guessing round: each person gets one guess at their giver before the reveal, which takes about five minutes for a group of ten.

On gift cards, the honest answer is that a card for the full budget is cash with a logo on it. Ban them by default. Two exceptions are worth writing in: a card for one specific small place the person loves, paired with something physical, and a long-distance match where posting is expensive. If a wishlist names a specific card, that counts as a request and the ban does not apply.

Office rules that keep it friendly

An office exchange needs a few more lines than a family one, because people cannot opt out of a workplace. Make taking part optional and give a quiet way to decline: a direct message to you, before the draw, with no reason needed. Collect the opt-outs first, then draw from the people who are in.

Keep managers out of their own team's names by marking each manager and their direct reports as exclusions. A report buying for the person who writes their review is an awkward twenty minutes for both of them. Set the budget low, 15 to 25, and state that the company is not reimbursing it.

Then rule out the categories that go wrong: alcohol unless you know for certain, anything scented, anything sized, anything that comments on a person's appearance, dating life, weight, religion or politics. A joke gift aimed at a colleague's habits lands differently in a room of thirty than it does between two friends. Run the exchange in work hours and give it 30 minutes, not a whole afternoon.

• Opt-in only, with a private way to decline before the draw.
• Exclude managers from drawing their own direct reports.
• Budget 15 to 25, paid by individuals, not expensed.
• No alcohol, no scents, no clothing sizes, no diet or fitness items.
• No jokes about appearance, relationships, politics or religion.
• Hold the exchange in work hours, 30 minutes, and let people leave after.

Deadlines counted back from the exchange

Write the dates down once and the chasing drops to almost nothing. Count backwards from the exchange date. Three weeks out, names close. Two weeks out, the draw runs and the links go out. Ten days out, wishlists have to be filled in. One week out, shopping is done, or twelve days out if anything has to be posted.

The deadline people miss is the wishlist. Nobody writes a wishlist until their giver is waiting, so put it on the first message with a date on it and send one reminder. On Bringalong the exchange date sits on every private link, which means people see how long they have whenever they open it.

1. Day minus 21: names close, opt-outs collected.
2. Day minus 14: draw runs, private links sent out one by one.
3. Day minus 10: wishlists filled in, three items minimum.
4. Day minus 12: posting deadline for anyone shipping a gift.
5. Day minus 7: shopping done.
6. Day minus 1: wrapped, labeled with the recipient's name only.
7. Day 0: exchange, 30 to 40 minutes.